[.uk] After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust ... (ISBN 069451652X)

highly recommended:
No two situations are exactly the same but what this book successfully does is try to help both parties address why it happened and how they can move on together...or apart. I found it very helpful and very thorough. The flood of feelings you go through when an affair occurs is overwhelming and reading this book helps you realize that: 1. you're not alone, 2. that people can and do get past it and 3. that there were probably reasons that it happened that are worth examining if you want to move forward and have a healthier relationship....regardless of whether it's with your partner or not. That is why I would recommend it to anyone who has gone through an affair either as the "hurt" one or as the "unfaithful" one. I would also like to counter what another reviewer suggested when they remarked that having an affair is the same as physical abuse. I think it's important to understand that while an affair is emotionally hurtful for one's partner, it is generally not done to deliberately hurt one's partner. Intent and outcome are rather important in debunking the correlation. I have also been the victim of physical abuse and personally found such a suggestion out-of-line to say the least.

Rebuilding Trust:
It works at all stages. If you are trying to rebuild your marriage or just trying to rebuild yourself, read this book. The author helps you understand what you may be going through and how the other person may feel. I also strongly recommend the author's other book I Love You. Now What?: Falling in Love is a Mystery, Keeping It Isn't

After tthe affair:
After the Affair is the most balanced and helpful book I've read on the subject of affairs.

After The Affair:
My son-in-law absolutely loved the book. Hasn't stopped talking about how it helped him deal with various issues.

A Little Disappointing....:
I actually read the author's second book, "How Can I Forgive You," before reading this one. I thought *that* book was spot-on, and her views on forgiveness rang very true with me. She basically says that genuine forgiveness must be earned by the other party and can be achieved when the victim no longer has to hold the wrongdoer accountable for his / her actions, but when the wrongdoer holds themselves accountable for them. While that book applies to many other situations besides infidelity, she really seemed to understand where the betrayed party was coming from. Having read other books on infidelity, I read this book to see if it would be as helpful. This book was rather disappointing to me, and after reading several other reviews on this board, I'm glad to know that at least I'm not the only one to feel that way. First of all, I take issue with what Dr. Spring says in her introduction, "I don't make blanket judgments about whether affairs are, in themselves, good or bad"......WHAT???? I'm really not sure why we can't all agree that affairs are bad. It often doesn't go over well when you tell someone who was sexually betrayed, disregarded, disrespected, and lied to that what was done to them "wasn't necessarily bad." Should we also try to say that stealing isn't necessarily good or bad too? She then says, "What may be enhancing for one of you may devastate the other, and destroy the relationship." Uh, yes- but this is THE MAIN REASON WHY affairs are bad- it's one partner putting his/her own self-gratification first at the expense of the other partner, despite promises made NOT to do this. Cheating, no matter what form it takes- whether it's "cheating" as in infidelity or whether it's "cheating" at a game of Monopoly, you are denying someone else fair treatment. So, in what universe is this "not necessarily bad?" The tone of her book didn't seem to place enough responsibility on the betraying partner. This book may serve to help the betraying partner feel better about what they did, but it sure won't help the betrayed partner feel as good about what was done to them. If there are some cases where both partners do contribute to the affair happening, there isn't really much cold, hard evidence of that. I certainly don't believe that to be the case in ALL affairs, so I was really put off by her common "one-size-fits-all" approach to this. I feel that therapists all too often use this approach to make their jobs easier, but it often isn't helpful to both parties, which I thought was the goal. She does say that the cheating spouse is ultimately responsible for their actions, but assumes that the faithful spouse helped to create the atmosphere in the marriage that contributed to the affair. Sometimes, this just isn't the case. How about when the faithful spouse sees their partner acting differently in the relationship, and makes many attempts to reach out to them, but the cheating spouse refuses their help? There are many betrayed partners out there that never turned their partner down for sex, and did everything to make them feel special, needed, loved and secure, yet still had this happen. Affairs can happen in marriages that were otherwise happy. Sure, both parties may have valid grievances in the relationship, but how is it that one partner is able to confront theirs honestly and fairly while the other dealt with their issues by sneaking around, lying and cheating? How about when one feels entitled to seek their fun elsewhere because they believe "men need it more" or holds other similar double-standards? The betrayed party didn't cause the other spouse's feelings of entitlement or lack of integrity. There may be blame on both sides for things gone wrong, but to assume both parties share blame *equally* is a mistake. I also don't think it should be assumed that the betraying partner dealt with most of the pain in the relationship, "causing" them to do what they did, or that the source of pain necessarily was the spouse of the betraying partner. We all experience stress in our lives, and it comes from many sources, not just from our spouse. And often, it is the betraying partner that has issues that cause most of the pain / problems in the relationship. I do think this book still has some good points. When she describes the "normal" range of feelings of someone who has been betrayed, it helped me understand that I was not alone. I took what she wrote to mean that these feelings are "normal" for someone to experience under the circumstances, as a result of the damage caused by betrayal. I also liked that she shared stories of many other couples who went through this. All in all, I think you should take what you can from the book, but the all too common "two parties contributing" theory with a grain of salt. A not perfect, but better read on the subject I can suggest is: "Private Lies" by Frank Pittman.